“The Etruscan shrew has the second smallest mammal brain after you.”

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"The way my mother-in-law cooks pork chops."

"They look like they were seasoned with water then baked by the glow of a heated argument."

"You don't know a fucking thing about BTS, I swear to God your ass is jealous of your mouth from all the shit you talk."

"It's like watching your drunk bestie at a karaoke bar XD."

"She's so polite to the notes she doesn't even hit them."

"As a man, why are you holding an umbrella?"

"Because my goal is to be as dry as your girlfriend."

"I visited a very well-known oncology center today on Long Island. Imagine offering these snacks and sodas to cancer patients. Very sad. These places need to do better."

"As a cancer survivor, eat a candy bar out of my ass."

"Telling my husband to dance like a white girl at the club when the beat drops."

"It's giving refractive illusion of a regular human inside of a jar full of water."

"Man develops app to reveal what women look like without makeup."

"Men who have actual relationships with women usually know this because they see us without makeup and even naked sometimes."

"I was told to post here. I'm about to shave but yeah this has been my beard for the last 5 years."

"I'm an amputee, I get a thing called phantom pain or phantom itch in which the nerves still in my stump send a message to my brain saying I have an itch or it's hurting, the sensation is so sensitive I can say 'my ankle feels like I just twisted it' or 'my instep is itching' I even sometimes feel my little toe twitching. That twitching ghost toe is the equivalent of you describing those facial pubes as 'a beard.'"

"PLEASE do not take this vaccine. This is just another ploy to scam people for their money, all while using people who get it as subjects for mind control and spying. We have seen this exact thing happen with COVID-19 vaccines. They engineer the virus themselves, then get the whole world to compromise themselves with their experimental vaccines. Wake up and protest this."

"You should be fine taking the vaccine because there's no fucking mind to control in that thick skull of yours."

"Me: Can I have a cold brew and an oat milk cortado?"

"Barista: Is whole milk ok for the cortado?"

"Barista: What kind of milk would you like then?"

"The espresso was bad, the cold brew tasted like nothing at all, and the barista looked at me with the same blank stare I get from my neighbor's cat when I ask it questions. It's almost impressive that they made espresso this badly. Thank you for making me realize I have been taking my regular coffee shop for granted. Tomorrow morning, I will be tipping each employee twenty dollars."

"I think it's one of these things where the people who are smart enough to understand the issue aren't aggressive enough, and the people who are aggressive enough aren't smart enough."

"Sounds like you might be aggressive enough."

"I remember my bus driver getting out and screaming at some guy cuz he tried to keep driving past the bus. She pointed at the extended stop sign and screamed, 'IF YOU CAN'T FUCKING READ THEN GET IN THE BUS AND I'LL HAUL YOUR IGNORANT ASS TO SCHOOL SO YOU CAN LEARN!!!' She was a really nice lady, but didn't take shit when it came to stuff like that. She'd be FURIOUS about this."

"Street flooding in Austin I-35 & Cesar Chavez Street."

"This is how wet the ladies get when they see me."

"Elon makes me feel a bit better about being broke. Even with $800 billion, he still gets no play on Valentine's Day and instead posts about Al gfs on X."

"The reason you have a head is just for the separation of your ears."

"Imagine buying an expensive stroller for an ugly baby." 

"With this reasoning, your mom must've pushed you around in a wheelbarrow."

"What is this white stuff on my frozen strawberries? Doesn't seem like mold, is a bit flaky." 

"Don't worry, your second day on Earth will be much less frightening."

"This 'hantavirus' is literally just another hoax, just like COVID-19 or whatever. Never vaccinated and never took any of these "recommended" precautions, and won't do it this time either. Probably just a social media cover-up for the Disney cruise CP incident."

"The Etruscan shrew has the second smallest mammal brain after you."

"If you could live inside of me, what part of my body would you live in?"

"You're not sweet at all. That's the most basic not caring answer."

"Like what you want me to say, your heart? I would die of hypothermia cuz it's so cold."

"I guess I can live in your head. I'd have a lot of room."

"Jason Derulo is the Arby's of music: every time he pops up, you're shocked he's still around, and then immediately wonder who the fuck is keeping him in business."

"One of my friends used to think I was a prostitute because I went home with ugly guys, and I think about that a lot."

"Someone on Reddit called me a nonprofit whoreganization bc of this."

"That's okay, I'll wait for someone who does think."

"I'm ready to be roasted... I think. @Wendys."

"Not sure if you're truly ready. Looks like your hairline is already running away."

"You deserve the digital equivalent of being sprayed with a water bottle..."

"The skin on the palm of your hand does not have the ability to grow hair. What part of your body do you wish had this type of skin?"

"Artemis Il astronauts safely back home on Earth after Orion capsule splashes down..."

"Why do they NEVER land back on land but always in the sea... PAY ATTENTION..."

"Cam Newton looks like a guy that controls how time works in a scary movie for kids."

"There's been no improvements in over a decade?"

"Dave Porknoy looks like if Mark Zuckerberg was looking at his own reflection on the back of a spoon."

"At least I'll have a career. If I hid a hundred dollars in your stick of deodorant, I could check two weeks later, and it'll still be there."

"Rushing off the bus this morning, I slipped and fell. $2 worth of change fell out of my pocket, this bitch is gonna yell, 'Damn, Sonic, you good?' Almost snapped on her ass."

"This is how 2-year-olds look at you when they're actively shitting their pants."

"Can someone please explain what just happened? My glass jar SPARKED!? And NO, it didn't crack." 

"Because you've added hot water to a cold glass, you tea towel." 

"I'd be so offended if someone called me a tea towel." 

"Headphones purchased 1 year ago, brand new, I've barely used them. Why does this always happen?" 

"Unfortunately, it is your taste in music. The headphones would rather cease to exist than continue playing it."

"If you ever feel useless, remember there's a candle to turn 0 years old."

"He always looks like he's doing long division in his head, I swear to God." 

"Europeans will ride a train going 200 mph through the Alps while drinking wine, and Americans will sit in traffic on I-95 for three hours eating a gas station sandwich and say, 'At least I have my freedom.' Brother, you are imprisoned by a Honda Accord."

"Animals be 20 minutes old and already know what to do."

"Meanwhile, human babies come out with a spot on their head that ain't finished yet and the communication skills of an alarm clock."

"NONE of you here will debunk anything. You will end up proving me correct."

"I think you need to check the batteries in your carbon monoxide detector."

"What's the best response to 'you're weird'?"

"You talk a lot of shit for a dude in cumshot distance."

"That looks like the janitor at my niece's middle school that sells Percocet to the teachers."

"The worst part about kissing a perfect 10 is how cold the mirror feels on my lips."

"Once in the 4th grade, this guy got a 2% on his math quiz, so everyone called him milk for the rest of the year."