Hi, I’m Dave, author of all those articles your aunt sent you that you may or may not have clicked on.These include: the most-read post in BuzzFeed history, this ode to grocery store music, the new and improved high school GED test, and this stunning exposé.

No fake friends. Only real one's who would let me shoot an apple off their head.

They were both billed as 18 in this picture, but apparently Major Mite was only 9. Now that doesn't seem too impressive anymore.

Let's hear it for Kokomo. You can read more about his long journey here.

Everyone's got that one dude in the friend group who's always pulling things like this.

Let he who hasn't allowed themselves to be completely overran by mice cast the first stone.

This was a typical Sunday activity back then.

Think of all that vacuuming that had to be done.

There weren't that many chairs around back then. This is what you had to do.

This is Fritz the bulldog getting his ears lowered a bit.

As one typically would be before being buried alive.

He ended up accomplishing his goal after spending 61 days underground.

He just turned 145 last year. Just kidding, but would you be surprised if this absolute unit was still with us?

I shudder to think of the sound of log-sawing happening every night on floor 12.

Imagine accidentally rolling a pill bug the entire time. Got to think that's happened at least once.

The Lebron of pea pushing, folks. Take note.

There's got to be a better way to do this. Maybe a giant underwater broom?

Put a little bit of Inglehoffer sweet hot mustard on that and you're cooking.

Let he who has not skateboarded with a potted plant cast the first stone.

I think I got Vamping Venus for best picture next year.

Congratulations to her and the future Mr. Lube Rack.

I imagine a game lasts about... nine seconds.

He doesn't play the blues, he plays the reds. On account of all the blood rushing to his head. Or something like that.

Would love to see a collab with the dolphins.

Again, would love to see a collab with the dolphins.

Apparently the woman third from left, Greene Courtney, won. Congrats Greene!

Imagine seeing this in person. It'd be electric.

The Mole People were thrilled by his statement.

Who you got? I think the whole thing is fixed, personally.

This and a Diet Coke... you are 100% back.

It's definitely not a parasitic, terrifying alien life form.

HUMPTY DUMPTY WILL RETURN IN AVENGERS: DOOMSDAY.

My man needs to skip-to-his-loo right BACK into his seat.

This is what life was like before sports gambling was legalized.

My palms are sweaty looking at this pic.

Show me a bigger donut and a smaller cup of coffee. You can't.

Uhhh... I think I'll keep my frecks, thanks.

Yankees win in 1960 if they have these on.

I can't image that costume being that comfortable, no matter how slow your run to first base is.

This is what your pilot does while the plane is on autopilot.

SISTER MAGDALENE THE SOFTBALL PLAYING NUN WILL RETURN IN AVENGERS: DOOMSDAY.

Doesn't seem like a fair contest, but who am I to judge?